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The Thanksgiving table was set with all the classics. Turkey, stuffing, cranberries, corn, mashed potatoes, green beans, and crescent rolls. My wife, Ady, is a fabulous chef and she had timed it all to perfection. Topped off by a delicious glass of White Zinfandel, all was in order. Ady, Shane and I each named a few things we were grateful for, prayers were said, and then we dove in. It was a fabulous and delicious meal. Ady had created a wonderful and tasty dinner.
All was good and right, we were healthy, we still had steady jobs and pay checks, and food on the table but something was just not right. Shane was mostly silent during the meal. He didn’t seem to want to engage in any normal table-top banter. I wasn’t sure if he was harboring hard feelings towards mom or dad or just being a moody teenager.
I voluntold Shane that he was on for dishes with me. We completed this messy task with a forgotten football game on the TV in the background. The game helped to ease the silence. As we wrapped up the task by wiping down the counters, I mentioned I was going to go out on the dike with Bruno and enjoy the moonlit evening. My hope was that Shane would bite, and join us, as he often likes to do. My subtle hint worked as he had his jacket and shoes on and was calling Bruno before I finished wiping down the table.
It was a gorgeous mild evening for this time of year. I was wrapped in a down jacket, hat and gloves and Shane the same, but he had brought two blankets to curl up in. An incredibly bright ¾ moon flooded the landscape with bright light and long shadows. A few brave and bold stars still shown but acquiesced under the dominant luminosity of the moon.
Bruno was in his glory sniffing unseen footsteps, urine, and droppings from dozens of critters that use the dike for a freeway. He also burned off several thousand calories of stored energy by running figure of eights at full speed like a grey hound chasing a mechanical rabbit on an endless track. Months of being cooped up had taken its toll on Bruno as well.
Our afternoon and night “sits” on the dike overlooking the beautiful Oakport Coulee, seem to act as a mental can opener for Shane. So here in the darkness, under the glow of an almost full moon, without provocation, Shane began to spew forth some of his inner turmoil. “I mean, no offense to you or mom… but I just miss my sisters so much. I just need to see someone and be with someone besides you and mom. I just really miss Karina and Marissa so much. I am so tired of this stupid pandemic. I’m so sick of waking up to the same boring and useless online school, homework in my room, video games in my room. Then supper. Hit repeat. Over and over.”
And so there it was. It all came spewing out, flowing invisibly down the dike. Shane was speaking it, but not naming it out loud… He was simply grieving. On this important day of giving thanks, Shane’s heart and head were grieving heavily. Months of COVID isolation, sheltering at home, social distancing, online schooling, activity cancelations, opportunities lost, endless political conflicts and negativity, and continual depressing news had taken their toll. His heart was heavy with grief.
Sometimes we just have to call a spade a spade. Name it and claim it. It’s good, it’s right, it’s wise and healthy to just name it. Maybe especially at this time when we are all supposed to be thankful, we can just name it; we are all grieving in some way. Maybe it’s more appropriate, and realistic title to this year’s holiday, "ThanksGrieving 2020."
Some of us have lost a son or daughter, a mother or father, or a spouse during the year and this was our first time through the holidays without that special someone. This grief is made more difficult from our pandemic isolation. Some of us have lost jobs or income and we are grieving under huge financial stress. Many of us have lost the freedom and ability to visit our aging parents in the nursing homes. We’re grieving that ongoing face to face connectivity with our loved ones. Grandparents are grieving hugs, presence, and touch with their grandkids. Many of our students have lost extra-curricular sports, music, theatre, and dance opportunities. They are grieving that hugely important and necessary human, face to face, day to day interaction of socializing so important to teenage development. Many of us are simply grieving the lost opportunities of travel, adventure, vacations, and family get togethers that break up the monotony of everyday existence. Many of us are grieving our church and faith communities. We crave the interaction, and face to face connectivity, person to person interaction, and physical human touch of firm handshakes, a hand on the shoulder, and bear hugs. So, as we gather round a tableful of delicious food, we have to name the fact that we are starving…starving for human connectivity. We were created as social and relational creatures and in this season of Covid, many of those relationships are starving. And so, we are grieving.
This pandemic has been the proverbial two-edged sword. Ying and yang, and filled with both pros and cons. There is the good, bad, and ugly in every situation. Many young and middle-aged parents I’ve spoken with have had to stare their insanely crazy-busy-hyper-active-over-scheduled lifestyles in the mirror. They speak of a revelation of newly gained insights that wouldn’t have happened without the forced slowdown. They report; “I don’t want to go back to taking my kids to Tae Kwon Do, dance class, violin lessons, hockey and soccer practice and confirmation classes all in the same day!” Many businessmen and women too have been forced to work from home and have been surprised to find a reduction in stress, a slowing down, a lessening of office drama and report; “I kind of like this new routine! I may just keep doing this after the pandemic!”
Even for me, it is Sunday morning and I’m wrapped in a cozy blanket, sipping my delicious warm coffee writing my Tuesday devo. Can I admit it? It’s awfully nice to have Sunday morning off, instead of the usual stress and hyper-motion of leading worship and preaching. I’ve definitely enjoyed lots more good family time due to the pandemic. So, in and amongst the negativity and stress of the pandemic, I too have found many beautiful positives.
Most of us know instinctively that we are supposed to be grateful, to find the hidden blessings in the difficulties that life throws at us. This is mandated for us as believers; “to give thanks in all situations.” Facebook abounds with cute, quaint, often meaningful, and sometimes cheesy posts about choosing our attitude. “If life throws you a lemon, make lemonade,” "You have to look through the rain to see the rainbow." "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery and today is a gift. That's why we call it the present." "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." Etc. etc. Yadda, yadda, yadda. Got it! Good stuff! Right on for sure.
But I believe that we must get the order right. We have to put first things first. And before we move on to choosing a positive attitude, we need to start with, and name the fact that we are grieving. We need to name the hurt, the loss, the pain, the sorrow, the disappointments, the lost opportunities, and the grief. To skip ahead and just blabber cliches of lemons and rainbows is not good mental or spiritual health.
Grief must be dealt with head on. Grief will have its day in court, it will not be denied. You can run from it, stuff it, hide it, bury it… but it will eventually surface and demand to be heard! And it will not be at a time of your choosing!
So, at this incredibly unique juncture of time and history that we literally share with the entire world, let us remember to properly thanks-grieve. Name it, claim it, acknowledge it, accept it, deal with it, and then move on and through with your best positive mental attitude, strong faith, and perseverance. I truly believe that “this too shall pass,” and it feels like we are getting closer to this brink of this passing.
May the Holy Spirit guide you as you grieve and give thanks. Have faith! He will see you through all of this.
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